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happy birthday to me; tw - loss, mc
this week I graduated from therapy 3-4x a week to once a week. that feels like a pretty good gift from me, to me.
the last four months, have been a blur and I’m hoping to use today, my birthday, as a reset.
I almost lost my dad and I lost a baby at the same time. I am still taking care of my dad and doing more work than I ever have to actually take care of myself — my physical, spiritual and emotional wellbeing.
I initially wrote this newsletter as retrospective on the last year, attempting to make lemonade out of very sour lemons but that felt hallow—like I was breezing over who I am, right in this moment. someone who is fundamentally different than they were four months ago.
there are a lot of learnings I could share from the last year—how to move across the country twice efficiently in less than 12 months, how to release a book when you are not an author, the process of writing a will.
but I don’t feel out of the fog enough to even begin thinking about if I “learned” anything from these experiences. sometimes, something in life is just very sad and very hard.
this is a vastly different approach to how I have ever done anything – always looking for ways to make the moment the best, most “learn worthy” one possible. instead, I’ve been just living in every moment and address every moment with what I need in that moment, no matter how bad it might feel.
am I thirsty?
did that text make me anxious?
would a walk feel nice?
am I cold?
what do I crave for breakfast?
how do I feel about that?
it’s a new shift in how I’ve had to learn how to live, and it hasn’t been easy. most of my therapy sessions are filled with tears, frustration, and the feeling of failure. I have lost a lot of friends in this process; being a sad person makes it really hard to commit or connect on anything. I admittedly feel vey behind on life admin tasks. I am also extremely judgmental of myself for that. can’t I just move on and get my life together?
no. I have been and am sad and much of me has been broken. I’ve had to learn to put myself back together in a way that honors this different version of me.
some fundamental things I’ve had to relearn (or introduce to my “toolbox” of things to help me feel better) have included:
sleeping on a schedule, and a full eight hours. it turns out this is a crticial for good mental health.
walking an hour+ a day outdoors. even when it rains, it helps lift my mood.
daily meditation and affirmations. I’ve meditated daily for the last year+ but affirmations have changed my mental state.
drinking enough water every day. this is fluid — enough just meaning so I never feel dehydrated.
sitting at the kitchen table to eat each meal undistracted. as in, three meals and one snack. not three snacks a day and one meal.
keeping sundays to myself so I can actually rest and relax.
meal prep once a week so I have nutritious and balanced meals all week.
it seems simple, but as I am often reminded by my therapist: when you are in crisis mode, simple becomes impossible.
this is a dreadful update, I know. And I debated heavily on if I should share it. for me, this is where I am in life—right here, right now.
there is also a lot of stigma that comes with being a person in crisis mode, and carrying the weight of being in a crisis and having to live a “normal” life feels criminal. much like sharing my poetry, I decided ultimately that sharing where I am right now might ultimately help someone who feels alone, or even like me at one point: stuck in the algorithm that favors comparison.
things I’m looking forward to as part of the aforementioned reset:
writing again - I have been writing, but it has been very sad.
seeing friends - this is something I’m still very anxious about.
being part of a community - this will take more time, but this is something I want deeply.
restarting my 300 hour yoga teacher training.
in all of this, I’ve taken a break from my forthcoming book but I promise to return to poetic updates next month, and will share more then.
with love,
Nicole
Stranger from the internet here - so sorry for your loss Nicole. I’m wishing you strength in your grief journey (battle?).
Oh, Nicole! This is so much to hold. And yet, as always, your writing shines through. Since a birthday is a marker in time, it's so generous of you to mark this moment for yourself -- and us -- with honesty. And like you said, we don't need a retrospective. Or lessons. We are here with you. Here, now, with you. Sending you a big hug.